doubting thomas.

so i was listening to my nickel creek cd last night and the song 'doubting thomas' came on. and so i sang along...

'sometimes i pray for a slap in the face
then i beg to be spared cause im a coward
if there's a master of death, i'll bet he's holding his breath
as i show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

im a doubting thomas
i cant keep my promises
cause i dont know what's safe
oh me of little faith.'

...and i thought about the words i was singing. think about those words for a minute i just started to cry. that's where ive been all these months. in this situation ive found myself in like that relient k song says 'stop right there. that's exactly where i lost it. see that line? i never should have crossed it. stop right there. that's exactly where i lost it. its the very moment that i wish that i could take back.' it has filled me with doubt. all these past few months of wondering where God has been? fed up with the whole thing. loving Him anyways because He sent His Son to die for me, but simply for that. not because of a love or mutual connection like we used to have.

spending my life telling people and living the life of salvation. meanwhile screaming out on the inside for anything substantial. selling things as God's plans cause i wanted to see the proof. not realizing that the evidence was in the things unseen.

'can i be used to help others find truth
when im scared i'll find proof its a lie?
can i be lead down a trail dropping bread crumbs
that prove i'm not ready to die?
please give me time to decipher the signs
please forgive me for the time that i've wasted...

...oh me of little faith'

now all those little things that never mattered before are looking like the biggest things ever and all those monsers under my bed are seeming like insignificant trivialities with that light at the end of the tunnel getting larger and larger everyday.

pray for me and i'll pray for you that we can live a life of faith and that we can find God everyday in the small things. in the way she looks at me. in the way people talk to me. in the way i feel when i play. in the way i feel when i create. i'm a doubting thomas. but im sure of the promise. i know what i believe. but i'll still have those days. and thats always ok. as long as i have friends to support me. oh me of little faith. oh me of little faith.

-colby

epitaphs.

And were an epitaph to be my story I'd have a short one ready for my own. I would have written of me on my stone: I had a lover's quarrel with the world. -Robert Frost

well today i have been thinking a lot about death. and when i think about death i think about life. about what i want to accomplish and what i want to be said about me. about having 'dust at the wind' played at my funeral and about what i want on that tombstone. how i hope my family will remember me and about the joy mixed with sadness.

i want to be remembered as a revolutionary. in thought and in deed. i want to fight the good fight. i want the world to be a different place when i leave here. not for the history books but so that when God asks me what i did with what He gave me i can actually have something to tell him.

sometimes (actually most of the time) i doubt i will even GET a burial. I am a firm believer (even though i know some of you doubt this) that these are indeed the end times and i know God has called me into His service for some major purpose when things get out of control... look around... they already are. do you read the news or drive down the road and think to yourself. wow. the world is going to hell. well. reality check. it is. and we are called to prepare for this time of tribulation and testing of our faith. as we take time to remember the 10 year memorial of the columbine we need to think about what has happened since then. the stock market is crashing, the world is in global distress, moaning 'as in childbirth???' and a one world government seems like a possible next step (after perhaps a major anarchy in the U.S....but thats just a personal thought)

anyways. now im rambling. leave comments. cause my brain just went blank mid thought. haha. im tired. i need some rest.

-colby

Mere Morality.

Education without values, as useful as it is, seems rather to make man a more clever devil.
-C.S.Lewis

just sitting in philosophy with my mind wondering away. and stumbled onto this quote by Lewis. now for those of you who know me less than others you will quickly find that my favorite authors can be easily listed as (Poe, Frost, Twain, and Lewis) all ironically skeptical and yet philosophical/literary genius'.

but lets get back on track. i think this quote by Lewis tells a lot about modern humanity, and i agree with him. values and morality are essential for not only 'christian' life, but also healthy life, because Christianity is the core of morality. think about it 'thou shalt not steal' 'thou shalt not murder' etc. think about those for a minute. the ten commandments. we've all heard them. and when we really think about it. those commandments DEFINE morality.

an argument might be with commands like 'honor the sabbath day and keep it holy' or 'thou shalt not commit adultery.' well perhaps if those were not as 'up for debate' society might function a bit better. perhaps if fornication and adultery werent 'acceptable' in todays society AIDS, HIV, HPV, and all those other STD's might not be on the climb and there wouldnt be as much mental problems in todays society. and i would love to point out that anyone who says that adultery is not immoral, that their theory probably has no grounds. because any married man or woman can say that, but when it is THEIR husband or wife cheating on them things are different.

i would love to hear any comments you all have on this. just something i was thinking about. also. to any of you more interested in this idea of morality i would encourage you to read Mere Christianity by Lewis. and if you've already read it i would even say 'read it again.'

in Him,
colby