doubting thomas.

so i was listening to my nickel creek cd last night and the song 'doubting thomas' came on. and so i sang along...

'sometimes i pray for a slap in the face
then i beg to be spared cause im a coward
if there's a master of death, i'll bet he's holding his breath
as i show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

im a doubting thomas
i cant keep my promises
cause i dont know what's safe
oh me of little faith.'

...and i thought about the words i was singing. think about those words for a minute i just started to cry. that's where ive been all these months. in this situation ive found myself in like that relient k song says 'stop right there. that's exactly where i lost it. see that line? i never should have crossed it. stop right there. that's exactly where i lost it. its the very moment that i wish that i could take back.' it has filled me with doubt. all these past few months of wondering where God has been? fed up with the whole thing. loving Him anyways because He sent His Son to die for me, but simply for that. not because of a love or mutual connection like we used to have.

spending my life telling people and living the life of salvation. meanwhile screaming out on the inside for anything substantial. selling things as God's plans cause i wanted to see the proof. not realizing that the evidence was in the things unseen.

'can i be used to help others find truth
when im scared i'll find proof its a lie?
can i be lead down a trail dropping bread crumbs
that prove i'm not ready to die?
please give me time to decipher the signs
please forgive me for the time that i've wasted...

...oh me of little faith'

now all those little things that never mattered before are looking like the biggest things ever and all those monsers under my bed are seeming like insignificant trivialities with that light at the end of the tunnel getting larger and larger everyday.

pray for me and i'll pray for you that we can live a life of faith and that we can find God everyday in the small things. in the way she looks at me. in the way people talk to me. in the way i feel when i play. in the way i feel when i create. i'm a doubting thomas. but im sure of the promise. i know what i believe. but i'll still have those days. and thats always ok. as long as i have friends to support me. oh me of little faith. oh me of little faith.

-colby